Mother's Day Thoughts...

HaPpY MoThEr'S DaY!!

Three words that bring up a varied amount of emotions every year.

Today...

I was BLESSED to be surrounded

by my family!

By the Way...where are the pics of me with my kids & grandson??!!

We didn't take any - what was I thinking??!!!  

Do-Over!!

I LOVE being a Mom & a Grand-Mom.

Best. Job. In. The. World.

I was told...no cooking & no cleaning or stressing out to get ready.

There was no stressing out...

But, there was cooking & cleaning.

Because, I wanted to Love on my family

and it's what makes me happy.

I struggle with Mother's Day every year.

Some years worse than others.

Sometimes, I struggle with my own failings as a Mother.

I have them.

I'm not perfect...

I hope that I apologized enough when I made mistakes.

I pray that they will correct them, 

but I know that they will make their own.

We're human...

no one is perfect.

Some years...

Mother's Day makes me hurt down to the core.

Seeing all the commercials,

sweet blogs & facebook messages to & about all these great moms.

What if you didn't have a great Mom?

What if your Mom told you she didn't want you?

What if she told you she never wanted any girls?

What if she divorced your Dad?

What if she 'divorced' you because you chose to go live with your Dad

 the last 2 years you were going to live at home?

Because you wanted to get to know him too...

What if she cussed you out and sent you nasty letters?

What if she sent all the gifts that you sent to them back to you?

What if she cussed you out on your very 1st Mother's Day...

blaming you for all of her problems in life?

Making you cry so hard that you weren't even able to talk to your Grandma...

and it would be the last time you would ever talk to your Grandma?

What if she chose to go on vacation at Lake Tahoe

instead of coming to your wedding?

What if she didn't do anything to encourage brotherly/sisterly love?

What if when she came to your house 20+ years later
and saw your kids for the 1st time...

and she didn't ask them any questions about their lives, interests?

What if she didn't want to look at any photo albums of when they were babies?

What if you had a few minutes alone with her...just a few...

and she said to you that "We love Randy...he's a great guy."?

What if she says to you that "You have 2 great kids."?

What if you stand there and wait for her to acknowledge you...

and you hear...

Crickets...

You wake up the next morning and you Listen...

God is saying something to you...

She said that you have a great husband...

means...great job picking a spouse for life.

I'm happy for you.

She said that you have two great kids...

means...you are doing a good job as a Mom.

I'm proud of you.

Even if she never said those words of affirmation to me...

God helped me to see that in a way...

She did.

Maybe it was the only way she knew how to say it.

I don't know.

I don't know what her childhood was like.

I have a lot of unanswered questions.

I'm not saying that there weren't good times...

there were.

I just don't remember them.

And I will never get the opportunity to make any more.

My Mom died several years after she saw my kids for the first time.

This is the only picture I have of my kids with my Mom & Step-Dad.

I didn't have the worst childhood ever...

it was just dysfunctional.

I had to make some hard decisions when I was a young mom.

I had to decide to pursue a relationship with her or not.

I tried, but I got no where.

She thought I was living the life of a princess...

I definitely was not.

I would be a mess for months after conversations with her.

It made me a not so good wife or mother.

I had to make conscious decisions all the time...

to not make the same mistakes my mom made.

I was successful on some accounts...

others...not so much.

I did try to apologize to my kids.

I hope that they will extend me grace & forgiveness for my failings.

I wish things would have been different for me & my siblings.

I wish we were all close.

I wish that my kids would have known my mom.

She would have gotten a kick out of their silliness!

I wish that she would be here to know her Great-Grandson.

He's Precious...He melts my heart!

When my mom died, I had to make some hard decisions.

I was verbally attacked...people saying that I didn't ever love her.

Not True.

I was told that there would be no funeral...

so I didn't go.

There was a funeral...

I couldn't get there in time.

I was completely at peace with my decision to not go.

Since there was not a chance I could go...

I wanted to remember Mom my way.

Not remember fighting and yelling and being attacked.

We were at a volleyball tournament for Lauren.

I walked the track the whole time that the funeral was going on.

I cried & prayed...and cried some more.

Ours was not a close Mother/Daughter relationship.

I mourned that fact.

But I came to the realization that she did the best she could with what she had.

There are 4 siblings.

And we each have our own different experiences and

memories of our Mother.

That is ok...

We don't have to agree.

But these are MY recollections...MY feelings.

My siblings have their OWN feelings and memories.

So, each year...

I'm reminded of what I didn't have...

what I can't have anymore.

I mourn a little....sometimes a LOT.

And as I extend the same Grace & Forgiveness,

that I ask from my kids,

to my Mom...

I'm thankful.

Thankful for who it made me.

And I'm Blessed...

So BLESSED with 2 Great kids...

A Wonderful Son-in-Law...

A Beautiful Grandson

and

A Husband who Loves me more than I deserve...

Not to mention all my extended family!!

Today...

I had a perfect Mother's Day!

Thanks for making it so special!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's in my life!

I LOVE you ALL!!