Puzzle Pieces of Life...

I'm on an emotional journey...
Those of you who know me well may be saying to yourselves...
'Oh NO, not again!'...
It's a good one...a hard one, but a really good journey.

***All pics taken with my iphone.  And the rest are pics of pictures that my Uncle had.***

For those of you who don't know me that well...
my parents divorced when I was in the 3rd or 4th grade.
In those days, the judge gave custody of the kids to the mother.
(Which I still don't understand...because in my eyes I was 1/2 my Dad's too!)
Anyway, when I was 14 my mom moved us from Kansas (away from our Dad)
to California...to be closer to her family.

 (My Step-Dad, Dennis; My Mom, Me, Jenni, Julie & Craig)

When I was 16, my brother and twin sisters and I came to visit our Dad in Kansas.
One night...I had a revelation.  I had two years to live at home and
I didn't feel like I knew my Dad at all.  It was not an easy decision for me.
I thought long and hard about my siblings and what would happen to them.
I won't go into all the details of what was going on at home, but in the end
I asked him if I could live with them.  He said yes.  I think it was all a 'God Thing'....
I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't made that decision.
(I wouldn't have married the wonderful man that is my husband...I know that!)

(My brother and I...aren't we pretty in pink?  Our mother's wedding day to my step Dad.)

Then, I had to make that hard call to my Mom.
She was upset and hurt and angry.  Very angry.
I was pretty much disowned.  There were a lot of hurtful things said to me...
I have a lot of emotional scars from childhood.
Most wounds are no longer raw and hurt me like they used to.
Time and maturity have helped to heal those...

(My Grandma's green card from when they immigrated from Canada)

So...back to my recent journey.
When I made that decision, I lost contact with extended family.
All of my Aunts and Uncles...I have cousins that I've never met.
And then their kids...

(My mom)

My journey has led me to an Uncle and an Aunt.
We are getting reconnected.  We are sharing truths from the past.
Some are hard for me to tell and hard for them to hear.
I think some are hard for them to tell and hard for me to hear.

(My mom, no idea what year or what from...high school maybe?)

I was a bit apprehensive to begin the journey...
I had no idea what stories had been told about me...
I didn't know if they were angry with me, hated me...
but I did know that I loved them...I missed them...
and no matter what, I would share my side of the truth and listen to them.
I would just be myself.  I know no other way to be.
And I would have to live with the outcome.

(My Grandma Gammon)

All through my life I have been putting the pieces of my Mom's past and my past together.
Family have been filling in some gaps and the puzzle is coming together.
I don't know if I will ever truly understand why my mom did
or said some of the things that she did.
But, I do know that I have a choice in how I live with the truth that is my life.
We all have hurts from our past...
we have a choice to dwell on it, learn lessons or to just let go...
and accept what was.

(My Grandpa Gammon)

I'm anxious for tomorrow...but not like I was anxious for today.
Today, I have to admit I was a little nervous.
I found myself shutting down and retreating to a 'thinking' place.
There was no need for 'nervous anxious' today.
I even got to meet a cousin for the first time!
And her husband and some of her family.

Tomorrow is an excited anxious!
I'm excited to hear stories...from my aunt and uncle about my mom.
Stories that I missed out on.
We've all missed out on so much of each other's lives.
But, we can only move forward!

I'm 3 days into and have only traveled 1/2 the miles of my journey...
I've only taken pictures from the front seat of the car
through bug splattered windows...
I have yet to see Yellowstone or Glacier National Park.
But...
As far as I'm concerned...we can go home without seeing any of those...
and it would still be one of the best vacations ever...