Reflecting...

Today would have been my mom's 68th birthday.
Today should be a day of remembering all the good times...celebrating her life.
Today is cold and dreary...so are my memories.

I want to remember the happy times, because I know there were some.
But, I don't.
Sadly, I have no pictures of my childhood to trigger those better memories.
They won't be shared with me.

There was a lot of yelling in my childhood.
Today...there is a lot of quiet.
Quiet time to reflect....on my mother's life and her part in mine.

Divorce is an ugly thing for children.
It's always with us.
In a way...it forces you to choose.
The courts chose for me...

When I was old enough...I did make a choice.
I am the kind of person who sees both sides of a story.
When I realized that one side of the story was getting left out for me...
I made the decision to live with my dad.

It wasn't an easy decision...because I knew there would be hurt and heartache.
There were many things that factored into this decision....things like fairness,
knowing that I only had so much time to live at home and wanting to get to know
and spend time with my other parent...because I had two.
We all do...we all have two parents.

And my views of one parent were being clouded by another.
It wasn't fair.
I shouldn't of had to choose.
I should have been shared and encouraged to spend time with my dad.
I wasn't...  I was kept from him.
Things were kept from me.
It wasn't fair.

And when I made my decision...to spend time with my other parent...
I was cut off.
Just like that...I wasn't worthy because I loved both parents.
That wasn't fair.
The things that were said to me, things I was accused of...
it wasn't fair...it was wrong.

In the end, I had to make another decision...to keep my distance.
Because...at the time...I wasn't strong enough to deal with the accusations.
Of being blamed for everything that had ever gone wrong in her life.
I had to make the decision that my family - my husband and children- came first.
Because she had a way of making me doubt myself and my worthiness...for months.

I don't know why I have been given this challenge in life.
I do know that it has made me into who I am today.
Some parts I don't like.
Many parts hurt and cause pain.
But it has created a part of me that will stand up for things I believe in.
To fight for the people I love.

In the end...I saw my mom twice in the 20+ years since
I made that decision and before she died.
She met my kids once....
In that time I don't believe she really knew who I was,
who I had become...or what I believed.
I know that I never understood her.

But, God gave me the grace the last time I saw my mother.
The grace to accept that even though she never told me she loved me...
that she was proud of me...
She told me they liked the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.
And she told me I had two great kids...
so I must not be doing too bad of a job as a mom.
It was the best she could do...God gave me the grace to accept that.

I pray that I will see her again someday...
I don't know where her heart was or what her relationship with God was,
Because I didn't have the chance to talk to her about that...
and I don't proclaim to know where anyone's heart is in relationship to God.
I pray that there will be a sweet reunion in heaven...
and we can spend eternity getting to know each other...
And she can remind me of the good times from our past.

I always loved you...even though you didn't think I did.
I did have the capacity to love both my parents at the same time.
Happy Birthday Mom...